GERMANY - An Englishman's guide to German beaches

1) Seating - You do not need to bring deck chairs, windbreaks, knotted handkerchiefs etc. with you when visiting a German beach. Instead you can hire a Strandkorb. This seat will provide comfort and protection from sun, wind and rain - you hire them like a deck chair. (They are really cool!)

 

2) Facilities - German local authorities provide Strandkorbs, clean public toilets, rubbish bins that are not overflowing and free dog poo bags AND manage to keep schools and libraries open as a result. This will appear strange to the average English tourist but can be explained by the term - German effiiciency,

3) Clothing - The Germans provide special beaches for the English traveller and these are clearly signposted - Textilstrand. It is very important that the shy English visitor chooses the correct beach. Those labelled FKK are where the Germans "Get their kit off" and as such are not suitable for visitors from across the Nordsee. It has been noted that on the signage, the arrows to the dog walking beaches point in the same direction as the FKK beaches but it is not known if there is a law in Germany which requires you to walk your dog naked. Please note however that whilst the beach is a riot of flesh no one would dream of walking along the promenade without their shirt on.

 

4) Ice Cream - This is incredibly cheap. Anyone used to paying £2.50 for a small "Mr Whippy" in Central London will be surprised to find that good quality ice cream is available for about 90p per scoop. Interesting flavours tested so far have been Walnut and Green Apple. It is not known why ice cream in Germany is so cheap but it could be due to an unknown EU subsidy. If this is the case expect "Mr Whippy" to increase to £5.00 post BREXIT.

5) Seagulls - It would be fairly safe to assume that German seagulls are disciplined good citizens. Unfortunately they are the same as English seagulls - They nick your chips.